Good Employees Die Slowly

Congratulations on becoming the office emotional support

There’s a very specific type of person every workplace feeds on.

The competent one.

Not the loud one.
Not the visionary.
Not the “circle back next week” guy who somehow earns $40k more than everyone else.

I mean the dependable one.

The person who says:
“No worries, I can do that.”
“Yeah, I’ll stay late.”
“I’ll fix it.”
“It’s fine.”

It’s never fine, though.

Being good at your job is one of the fastest ways to accidentally receive six extra jobs.

One day, you answer a Teams message quickly and suddenly Brenda from Finance is treating you like 911.

You become the workplace Roomba, moving around cleaning up everyone else’s debris while bumping into walls emotionally.

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I wandered into the Innerverse after work once and found a queue.

Everyone was carrying someone else’s responsibilities.

One person had three overflowing inboxes balanced on their shoulders.

Another walked past carrying an entire team.

No one seemed surprised.

Above the doorway hung a sign that read:

COMPETENT PEOPLE: ADDITIONAL DUTIES THIS WAY

Apparently it’s one of the busiest places in the Innerverse.

Because, the reward for efficiency is not less work.

It’s: “Since you’re so good at this, here’s more work!”

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You know who gets protected at work? People who are confusing.

Nobody gives Greg extra work because nobody fully understands what Greg does.

Greg has mastered the corporate smoke bomb.

You ask Greg for an update and he says: “We’re currently navigating some cross functional complexities.”

What does that mean? Nothing.

Greg has been making one graph since February.

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And because you’re competent, you become weirdly guilty about boundaries.

You start saying things like: “It’s quicker if I just do it myself.”

That sentence has killed more spirits than capitalism itself.

Soon you’re:

• Training people.

• Fixing mistakes.

• Managing personalities.

• Doing unpaid therapy for Darren after his third divorce.

• Running projects you never agreed to.

• Updating documents no one reads.

• Attending meetings that could’ve been an emoji.

All while your manager says: “We really value you.”

Financially? No. Of course not.

Spiritually? Also no.

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The funniest part is the competent employee never even looks stressed.

You could be actively disintegrating and still reply: “Sounds good 😊”

Your eye is twitching.
Your cortisol is visible from space.
You haven’t known peace since 2002.

But sure.
Sounds good.

Then one day, your body stages a hostile takeover.

You develop:

• Migraines

• Eye twitches

• Random neck pain

• A deep emotional connection to lying face down on the floor

Your doctor asks if you’re under stress and you laugh so hard you briefly leave your body.

The worst thing you can do in a workplace is reveal your final form too early.

Never let them know you’re:

• Organized

• Emotionally stable

• Responsive

• Capable of using Excel without crying

Protect your gifts.

Reply slower.
Ask one confusing follow up question.
Misspell “calendar” occasionally.

Survive.